The question of the day at Women.com: "What’s your favorite cardio machine: treadmill, stairmaster, elliptical machine?" "Vote!" the button exclaims as if it’s 1920 and women have just won the franchise.

I arrive at iVillage.com, once the hottest IPO on the Nasdaq, now a poster child for the dotcom roller coaster. The Hey-Honey-I’m-Home headline asks, "What’s for dinner?"

But what’s this--iVillage is promoting "technologies tailored for women"? That sounds promising. What are these 21st century applications? Let’s see. There’s the Baby Name Finder, a Mothering Style Quiz, a Soul Mate Oracle, the Fragrance Finder, a Mr. Right Quiz and--be still my heart!--a Makeover-o-Matic where you can manipulate photos to try on a new look. While the nation is churning over Roe v. Wade, federal funding for faith-based social service organizations, military spending, missile reduction, tax cuts and even Eminem’s feud with Christina Aguilera, the burning question on iVillage’s Speak Your Mind forum is, "Are you high maintenance in the ’getting ready’ department? How long does it take you to get ready for everyday life and special occasions?" Answer: One second to click and get outta here.

Over at Oprah.com (part of Oxygen Media), the site’s tag line is "Your Best Life." But there’s nothing about your life here--it’s all Oprah, all the time. Count it: Oprah’s name can be found on the splash page 17 times. And on every page there’s a phot-O of Lady O. Here, in O-land, there are more makeovers than you can shake a lipstick tube at: Glamorous Makeovers, Body Makeovers and Lifestyle Makeovers (for women "who feel lost" or who’ve "lost themselves"). Evangelist Oprah also exhorts her Web audience to be on The Oprah Show--send a friend an "O to Go" audio e-card (with Oprah’s own voice) and e-shop at the Oprah Book Club. The site’s pages are sprinkled with italicized, positively O-prahtic quotes: "OK--I’m sitting here pouring my guts out on the stage." OK! Enough! Get me out of here before I pop an O-ring.

All of these sites are overflowing with patronizing banner ads that are as bad as the content. On iVillage, for example, obnoxious ads are just a click away from headlines like "Burn 300 Calories Just by Shopping!" Or take this condescending ad for Cheer laundry detergent: Clothes are: a) something you wear; b) a reason to shop; c) really important to you. Well, that’s a silly question.

Thinking Inside The Box

Silly me, it’s now 11 p.m. After surfing all these "women’s" sites, I need one of iVillage’s "21st century solutions"--one of "365 answers to women’s everyday problems," that is. To be precise, I need 21st century solution number 329: How to conceal undereye circles. I’ve got bags under my eyes from eyestrain after glaring at my computer monitor in amazement and disgust at classically backward home-ec curricula repurposed and regurgitated for the Web. They propagate the stereotype of women as not-so-bright creatures who are terrified of anything with a keyboard, squealing Barbielike at the sight of a computer mouse, "Computers are hard!" Yep, we’ve come a long way, baby.