Let’s face it brothers and sisters, when it comes to who could be patrolling the corridors of power for the next few years, the choice isn’t great. Gordon’s got no friends, David’s got no policies and the other bloke shares a name with a character from Last of the Summer Wine… and anyway, he’s a Liberal Democrat. The others are blackshirts and people dressed up as animals.
So let’s form ourselves into a crowdsourced think-tank and see if we can’t figure out a ‘fourth way’. We need to think different. We need someone from outside the duopoly, someone bold who can communicate with young and old, someone iconic. Who did you say? Steve Jobs? Steve Jobs from Apple? That Steve Jobs? But it’s 2.54pm on Friday. Surely we couldn’t think of 10 ways the country would change under the greatest leader corporate America has ever known?
1. Respecting the leader. There’s been a bit too much talking at the water cooler, a few too many emails, a bit of doublespeak. Nobody does that with Steve.
2. The Next Big Thing.The political parties today don’t seem to have too much of a plan: bit more tax here, bit less tax there; a few people in, a few people out. Steve would give them real answers. Road congestion? Apple will build a flying car. The economy? Make everything in the UK 30 per cent more expensive than everybody else’s stuff and lock outsiders out of key markets.
3. Dress sense.Have you seen the schmutter on these politicians? Some of those suits are a disgrace and most MPs in the House look like they’re attending a New Options In Printing conference in Coventry. A close-trimmed beard and into the black long-sleeve T-shirt, Levi’s and New Balance or Nike trainers will bring our political class into the 21st century.
4. Debate. No more Commons, no PMQ, no old fellows in the Lords. Instead, one annual speech, same time, same place, telling the troops how it is and how lucky we all are. If you can’t get to San Francisco, watch the video.
5. Question Time.Alternatively, a new name for the nation’s favourite debate show: Steve Time. In the short term though, television might have to be banned though because *nobody* has found an insanely great way to do digital TV yet.
6. That battered Budget briefcase.Did nobody tell the Chancellor that thing is a disgrace? Replace it with an ultra-thin, elegant, white computer now. There will also be a slight spin on the windows tax, making it the Windows tax.
7. Health.There are no viruses on this platform.
8. Freedom Of Information Act.Repealed. Steve will tell you the story when he’s freaking ready. Leaks? Gone!
9. The Monarchy.HM will grant an audience with The Queen every Q4. The national anthem will be something by The Beatles or Dylan.
10. Foreign policy. There’ll be an app to fix this but it might need upgrading on a regular basis.