by Martin Veitch

If Technology Press Releases Told The Truth

Mar 25, 2010

My recent excellent article on the subject of If Technology Releases Covered Great Moments In History was rightly accorded iconic status by the readership of CIO, or at the very least by PR professionals paid a salary to read this stuff.

The piece has already assumed a position in what FR Leavis would doubtless refer to as The Great Tradition of Friday blogging, following on from such classics of the genre as If Tech Firms Were Rock Bands, If Software Firms Were Football Teams, Extra Time: If More Software Firms Were Football Teams, If Tech Firms Were Rock Bands, NOW! That’s What I Call If Tech Firms Were Rock Bands 2, If Tech Firms Were Movies (the franchise here was showing its age and had undertones of Police Academy 7) and the frankly idiotic If Tech Firms Were Biscuits, at which point the series had clearly Jumped The Shark.

Anyhow, one correspondent on Twitter wondered rhetorically what would happen if writers of technology press releases stuck to bare bones of fact and laid off with the shovel when it came to daft vocabulary, anodyne quotes and fanciful claims.

This struck a (frankly minor) chord. Yes indeed, what would happen It Technology Press Releases Told The Truth?

Macrosoft Releases Some More Software With New Version Of Doors

Program is pretty similar to previous ones

Macrosoft has released some more software. This one’s called Doors but has a bit at the end so you know it’s different from the other ones and, rather like all the ones called Doors, it makes your computer do useful or amusing things. Without Doors or something similar it would just sort of sit there like a door-stop, although you could use it as a paperweight.

It’s for sale although you’ll have a hard job of not getting it if you’re in the market for a new computer. Of course you could stick to an old version of Doors but just don’t go relying on your new programs, mouse or printer to work on it (which, when you come to think of it, is a bit rich because your old stuff might not run on this version).

Anyway, you’ll have to get it eventually unless you want a load of security problems because we’re not going to fix the old versions for much longer and if you ring up to ask about anything to do with it we won’t help you.

As usual we’ve messed about with the user interface and given it a bit of a general rejigger. You can send your money to the usual place. There’s a cheap version if you don’t need to do things like save documents or print. Alternatively you could buy a Moc but they’ll just do the same to you or if you’re a bit weird there’s that Lonux thing. Don’t come to us when your neighbour doesn’t know how to make it run though.

Acme-Soft Tells You About A Security Risk That Won’t Affect You

Read this if you work on a website with a slave-driver editor demanding more stories no matter how weak

Acme-Soft is warning users about a bloke who has sent out an email that gets you to download something that does in your computer.

The email is designed to appeal to dirty old men, cheapskates or sad types obsessed by ‘celebrities’. Its subject line is See raunchy pictures/Get free stuff/Britney does something. You’d have to be totally thick to click on it but, just in case, we’re sending out this press release.

All the other companies are doing the same and it gives us a bit of a chance of getting our name out.

Dave Podd, security expert at Acme-Soft said: “Same old. Some kid has put this together in the hope of some newb clicking away. Still, no complaints from me. Keeps us all in the do-re-mi. Four bedrooms in Buckinghamshire doesn’t pay for itself, you know.”

I’m sure you can make up your own if that’s your bag. It should make lunchtime fly by.