by Thomas Wailgum

Real-World Functionality for Those Worthless Function (F1-F12) Keys

Jul 23, 20092 mins
CareersComputers and PeripheralsEnterprise Applications

Everybody's keyboard has them, but who actually knows what these keys do and uses them? It's time for a change. Here are the suggestions of's Tom Wailgum.

How many people actually use their function keys—you know, those little buttons on your keyboard that go from F1 to F12? We’re guessing not many.

So here are some suggestions for functionalities that people would actually use:

F1: Blocks the Wi-Fi signal that Mr.-Sit-at-the-Best-Seat-at-Starbucks-for-Nine-Hours is using, forcing him to shut down and vacate the premises.

F2: Sends a nasty e-mail to Microsoft execs’ personal e-mail box relaying that a Windows bug is about to crash your system and you really appreciate the inconvenience—again (this could work for any vendor, of course).

F3: Deletes embarrassing Facebook photos of you posted by high school classmates.

F4: Brings up an image of Megan Fox in “Transformers.”

Read Tom Wailgum’s Enterprise Software Unplugged blog for more on the lighter side of IT

F5: Quickly quarantines any guilt-ridden e-mail from your mother and sends automated “Out of Office / Can’t Respond for 3 Weeks / Do Not Contact” response.

F6: (See F4) You were just on a website of “questionable” integrity and you might have been infected with spyware—Automatically kills anything on your machine that resembles malware.

F7: (For IT people only) Sends a reply to those less-than-savvy users who send indiscriminate barrages of help-desk e-mails: “Hit restart, genius.”

F8: Sets your PC ablaze because it’s 8 years old, still running Windows 95 and you just can’t take it anymore.

F9: Sends a digital shockwave to the spammer’s keyboard who just filled up your inbox with links to purported photos of Megan Fox in “Transformers.”

F10: Kills any Apple DRM feature.

F11: Crashes Twitter feed of any of your followers who are still tweeting about Michael Jackson.

F12: For when you’re feeling mad at the world, plays five-second burst of Jeff Bezos’s freakishly maniacal laugh (hear it here).

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