Everybody's keyboard has them, but who actually knows what these keys do and uses them? It's time for a change. Here are the suggestions of CIO.com's Tom Wailgum. How many people actually use their function keys—you know, those little buttons on your keyboard that go from F1 to F12? We’re guessing not many. So here are some suggestions for functionalities that people would actually use: F1: Blocks the Wi-Fi signal that Mr.-Sit-at-the-Best-Seat-at-Starbucks-for-Nine-Hours is using, forcing him to shut down and vacate the premises. F2: Sends a nasty e-mail to Microsoft execs’ personal e-mail box relaying that a Windows bug is about to crash your system and you really appreciate the inconvenience—again (this could work for any vendor, of course). F3: Deletes embarrassing Facebook photos of you posted by high school classmates. F4: Brings up an image of Megan Fox in “Transformers.” Read Tom Wailgum’s Enterprise Software Unplugged blog for more on the lighter side of IT F5: Quickly quarantines any guilt-ridden e-mail from your mother and sends automated “Out of Office / Can’t Respond for 3 Weeks / Do Not Contact” response. F6: (See F4) You were just on a website of “questionable” integrity and you might have been infected with spyware—Automatically kills anything on your machine that resembles malware. F7: (For IT people only) Sends a reply to those less-than-savvy users who send indiscriminate barrages of help-desk e-mails: “Hit restart, genius.” F8: Sets your PC ablaze because it’s 8 years old, still running Windows 95 and you just can’t take it anymore. F9: Sends a digital shockwave to the spammer’s keyboard who just filled up your inbox with links to purported photos of Megan Fox in “Transformers.” F10: Kills any Apple DRM feature. F11: Crashes Twitter feed of any of your followers who are still tweeting about Michael Jackson. F12: For when you’re feeling mad at the world, plays five-second burst of Jeff Bezos’s freakishly maniacal laugh (hear it here). Do you Tweet? Follow me on Twitter @twailgum. Follow everything from CIO.com on Twitter @CIOonline. Related content brandpost Sponsored by SAP When natural disasters strike Japan, Ōita University’s EDiSON is ready to act With the technology and assistance of SAP and Zynas Corporation, Ōita University built an emergency-response collaboration tool named EDiSON that helps the Japanese island of Kyushu detect and mitigate natural disasters. By Michael Kure, SAP Contributor Dec 07, 2023 5 mins Digital Transformation brandpost Sponsored by BMC BMC on BMC: How the company enables IT observability with BMC Helix and AIOps The goals: transform an ocean of data and ultimately provide a stellar user experience and maximum value. By Jeff Miller Dec 07, 2023 3 mins IT Leadership brandpost Sponsored by BMC The data deluge: The need for IT Operations observability and strategies for achieving it BMC Helix brings thousands of data points together to create a holistic view of the health of a service. By Jeff Miller Dec 07, 2023 4 mins IT Leadership how-to How to create an effective business continuity plan A business continuity plan outlines procedures and instructions an organization must follow in the face of disaster, whether fire, flood, or cyberattack. Here’s how to create a plan that gives your business the best chance of surviving such an By Mary K. Pratt, Ed Tittel, Kim Lindros Dec 07, 2023 11 mins Small and Medium Business IT Skills Backup and Recovery Podcasts Videos Resources Events SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER From our editors straight to your inbox Get started by entering your email address below. Please enter a valid email address Subscribe