12 Types of Cell Phone Users That Drive Us Nuts

You know him, you (just may) love him, the dude who thinks a Bluetooth headset is the single most important accessory an individual can wear to spruce up everyday attire. Walking down the street, sitting on the bus, in the mall and everywhere else, this guy is sporting his Bluetooth ear-piece—and he wants you to know it. I’m all for using Bluetooth headsets while driving—safety first—but please, Mr. Johnson, you’re only hurting yourself in the long run by rocking that silly thing while walking your Pomeranian. We’re not laughing with you.

Don’t try to pry a working cell phone, no matter how dated, from his gnarled hands. This easily-spotted specimen’s phone looks more like a modern cable-TV remote control. Beat-up Motorola RAZRs, even StarTACs, are popular. Awkwardly bulging, rectangle front-pants pockets are also good indicators that you’ve encountered him in the wild. Chances are he already knows, but it couldn’t hurt to inform him that you can get a brand new phone for free from most wireless carriers. Even the iPhone 3G is under $100 on contract…but that would go against his “principles.”

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The modern iPhone snob is a dying breed; since most Americans can now afford Apple’s “Jesus Phone.” It’s no longer a true status symbol—now it’s the “MBP” Apple snobs are showing off at Starbucks. But genuine iPhone Snobs still exist in the wild. And they’re easy to spot. That’s because the iPhone rarely leaves a Snob’s hand and is often thrust in front of them as talisman of sorts while they move amongst non-iPhone users. Other sure signs you’re in the presence of an iPhone Snob: Apple stickers everywhere and holier-than-thou glances directed at anyone without a clearly-visible sign of Apple support.

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Located most often in bustling city-areas and in/around technology tradeshows, you’ll never see this guy’s eyes…but he’ll seemingly see you. Or at least he’ll avoid you when your paths cross. That or he’ll move directly at you until you shift out of the way. Regardless, the result is the same: The BlackBerry Businessman floats on, eyes downcast. His only true weakness: curbs and single steps.

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The Holster Master doesn’t wear just one cell-phone-holster; his belt is absolutely adorned with various holsters for his multiple cell-phones, pocket knives, tape-measures, and whatever else he can fit on there, not unlike the popular Star Wars character Han Solo. They won’t always match—leather, vinyl, handmade, whatever—but there’s usually some sort of order to the holster-arrangement. Gadgets “holstered” by size from left to right, for instance. Unlike Han Solo, this guy typically does not get the pretty girl. Word to the wise to those of you with a single mobile device on your belt: Beware that first “gateway holster.”

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He’s not one to notice that almost all major movie-theatre chains run clips before films requesting that patrons both silence and put away their phone for the duration of a show. This guy’s face is as bright as the silver screen thanks to the cell phone in his lap he’s using to text God-knows-who throughout the entire film. More often than not, he does switch the phone to vibrate, but that does nothing to drown the scoffs and giggles he emits after reading responses to his texts. Suspect you may fall into this category? Remember, only you have the power to resist becoming “THAT Guy.”

This cell-phone stereotype is rarely seen, but frequently heard. That’s because the restroom texter’s natural habitat is within a public bathroom stall. While taking care of business, this guy’s literally taking care of business, banging out texts on his BlackBerry, even placing voice-calls. Unidentified clacking keys and clicking BlackBerry trackballs in public restrooms are sure signs of the Restroom Texter. The most interesting/perplexing/disgusting thing about this rare species of cell-phone-user: They see nothing strange about texting and/or talking on a public throne.

She’s got people to talk to—even if she’s got nothing to say. And she wants you to know it. Cell Phone Rhoda comes in all shapes and sizes, but more often than not, she’ll be larger than you are. And she’ll get all up in your personal space on the bus, train or while standing in line to board your plane. She doesn’t really mean you any harm&but don’t even think about asking her to tone it down a bit—unless of course you’re prepared to engage in fisticuffs on public transportation.

A distant relative of the iPhone Snob, Cell Phone Camera Guy always has his mobile device, typically a smartphone or other high-end gadget, in hand. How else could he open up the camera application quickly enough to snap a photo of that passing car, a humorous subway advertisement, a cute dog…or any other mundane object most folks would barely even notice? Not to be confused with a tourist, Cell Phone Guy takes pictures of everything for the sake of taking pictures of everything. Should you hear his trademark call—Ooh, oooh, lemme get a pic! Then Gotta send this to Twitter—clear the way and just hope his flash is disabled.

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Typically spotted in small groups of three or four with a parent, supervisor or other adult, the Text Happy Teen almost always chooses to text a message rather than communicate it verbally…even if he or she is texting to a person within arm’s reach. As such, these teens’ eyes are rarely raised from glowing LCDs and their faces can be slightly electro-tanned. Started as a modern form of passing notes, texting has been taken by these teens to a new level, which often involves texting multiple people within eyeshot simultaneously. Most teens are extremely proficient, rapid typers, but don’t even, like, try to talk to them mid-text.

Mr. and Mrs. “We-Do-EVERYTHING-Together” typically have the exact same mobile phones…in the same color…on the same carrier…but with their own uniquely-shaded gel-skins or other cases so they can, you know, tell them apart while sitting on the couch watching American Idol. And the Mobile Phone Couple wants you to be aware that their phones match, along with their knitted socks and Claddagh rings. How else could these two convince themselves—and everyone around—that getting engaged so quickly really was a good idea?

Many of us see smartphones as accessories to our everyday attire, but Crazy Sequined Cell Phone Chick accessorizes her accessories. Not unlike Mr. I Keep Cell Phones Until They Croak, the cell phone over-accessorizer can be spotted from a distance. That’s because her mobile phone is significantly larger than you’d expect, due to the abundance of shiny decorations on its exterior: Neon-colored leather; glittering charm-lanyards; sequins. And faux gem-stones. Lots and lots of ’em.

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