by Al Sacco

Apple’s Newest Miracle: Mass. Girl, 11, Saved by iPhone, Lil Wayne (Satire)

Jul 06, 20092 mins
MobileSmall and Medium Business

Apple's iPhone 3GS is apparently living up to its nickname, "The Jesus Phone."

After a slow day of news and some twitter chatter between @Videos4BB, @nanpalmero, @SimonSage, @azeis and myself, it’s become clear that although The Onion has a fantastic tech section, we need more parody around the mobile blogging world. Let’s see what we can do.

Hot on the heels of news that a British skier had been rescued by a BlackBerry smartphone after he accidently skid down an icy ravine in the Swiss Alps, eleven-year-old Ashland, Mass.-girl Missy Mall claims her life was saved by another popular electronic gadget: The iPhone 3GS.

image of an iPhone with girly decoration
Girly iPhone (via Appletell )

“I, like, can’t live without my Lil Wayne,” a smiling Mall said, holding the heroic iPhone 3GS across her chest like a badge. “This thing is so freakin’ cool. I got ‘The Carter,’ ‘The Carter II,’ and ‘Rebirth’ on the same playlist, it’s one big CD, ‘cept the songs are mixed up like a whole new album.”

Lil Wayne tracks, as well as other music, video and audio from school dances can also be played back with or without “headbuds,” Mall says.

“This little thing literally, like, saved my life,” she says. “I wouldn’t be sitting here without it.”

Mall went on to describe how life would have been different had her father, 36-year-old Deven Mall, not finally given into her months-long pleading and purchased the iPhone as a gift for a straight-A grade in Ms. Snell’s sixth grade algebra course.

“Right now, Kelly Schwinn and all the other popular girls think I’m cool…or hot, you know?” says Mall, still gripping the iPhone like it might run off at any second. “That’s not for nothing. I gave Kelly a few live Wayne tracks I downloaded last week, and now I might be going to her party on Saturday–when she invites me.”

The elder Mall doesn’t regret buying the iPhone or paying the monthly service bills, though he admits his daughter is actually more difficult to reach in person because she can’t ever hear anyone but “Tiny Wade.”

“I don’t really get it, but she loves the stupid thing,” says Deven Mall. “I gotta say, in my experience, there’s nothing like an iPhone to get kids excited about education. Apple’s really on to something.”

(For more “witty,” tech-oriented satire, read “Blogger Shunned, Skewered After Busted Rumour.”