10 Things I Hate About Tech

Sure, spyware, spam and wireless routers that have the lifespan of a mosquito annoy us all. But what do we really hate about technology? Here’s my current top 10 list:

1. People Who Talk on Smartphones 24/7. One would think that I’d be over this by now. No, I’m not. It’s 2009, people! You’re not cool or special just because you can talk away on your pink BlackBerry Pearl. You’re just like everybody else! Now get back in your Hummer, drive home to your McMansion and watch “Real Housewives of Orange County” on your 100-inch HDTV. Thanks.

2. Cloud Computing. I’m mere days away from spontaneously vomiting every time I hear some tech vendor CEO or industry pundit use this overhyped and nebulous phrase (see Wall Street Journal article for more disgust). Saleforce.com is not helping my cause. Its new corporate tagline: The Enterprise Cloud Computing Company.

3. The Hour or So It Takes to Start a PC. Seriously! Seriously? It’s ridiculous how long it takes to start or restart a Windows PC these days. Shouldn’t we have improved this by now? I hope President Obama targets this as one of the key inefficiencies dragging down the U.S. economy.

4. Moronic High-Tech Product Names. Listen, I know most of the good names have been taken already (see our list of how 10 of the most famous got their iconic names), but there’s got to be something better out there than G1, Yatt’it and Intel Dual Socket Extreme Desktop Platform (thanks to The Pollywog Blog for the ammunition).

5. Twitter. Tweet this: NOBODY REALLY CARES WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW!

6. High-Tech Vendor Press Releases. Too many high-tech PR firms hire entry-level staffers to churn out useless releases that follow the same template: “Type in the date, your company’s name and add any combination of these words and/or phrases around your company’s product(s) name(s): robust, industry-leading, rich-user experience, nascent, cloud, real-time, first of its kind, flexible, road map, solution, collaboration, mission-critical, green, smart for these tough economic times.” Done.

7. Apple. It’s so close to jumping the shark that The Fonz is currently warming up his motorcycle and listening to “Happy Days” on his iPod. “Sunday, Monday, Happy Days….”

8. Microsoft Bashing. Yes, you read that right. MS is like a drug that everyone happily takes—quite regularly—but then denies to everyone who’ll listen that they actually take their MS Meds. Of course, they gladly tell everyone how much they “hate Microsoft.” You love Microsoft. You really, really do.

9. The Laptop Crowd at Starbucks and Panera. Wireless networking technologies have enabled a generation of do-nothings and posers to look busy in coffee shops and restaurants instead of finding themselves all alone in their dark basements.

10. Today’s Pandemic of IT Industry Pundits and Blowhards. Thanks to the Internet and pervasive (and free) blogging platforms, everybody and his brother now has the ability to pontificate and unleash ill-formed opinions on Apple, Oracle, Facebook and whatever else in the tech universe that offends their far-superior sensibilities. Get a date, guys. You sound lonely.

To show that I offer “fair and balanced” coverage, see: 10 Things I Love About Tech.

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