by Thomas Wailgum

Chuck Norris on Your Help Desk

Oct 12, 20072 mins
IT Leadership

If you visit the Chuck Norris Facts website, you will be treated to little-known insights into the power, prestige and wisdom of one Chuck Norris, television and movie star, and martial-arts expert. “Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills people,” is one famous one. “When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris,” goes another.

chuck norris

A little while back, Bloomberg posted a financial markets take on the Norris phenomenon. Some samples: “Chuck Norris doesn’t target inflation. He roundhouse-kicks it until it begs for mercy.” And: “Chuck Norris doesn’t supply collateral, only collateral damage.”

Of course, the tenets, insights and bold moves of Norris’s modus operandi can easily be applied to the world of IT. Without further ado, here is Chuck Norris Facts — The IT Edition:

Chuck Norris doesn’t work on a help desk. He works on a hurt desk.

Chuck Norris gets RFPs all the time: Requests For Punishment.

Chuck Norris has no need for a BlackBerry. He has a BlackBelt.

Larry Ellison’s beard calls Chuck Norris’s beard “The Oracle.”

Who would win in a fight: Real-life Chuck Norris, or virtual Chuck Norris? No one. The world would explode.

Chuck Norris doesn’t outsource to India. India outsources to Chuck Norris — at triple the price.

Chuck Norris doesn’t run software as a service. He runs fists-to-head as a service.

Moore’s Law was originally about Chuck Norris — because he gets more powerful and faster every 18 months.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need firewalls. He chest hair is a firewall.

You can’t hack Chuck Norris’s website because he will kill you.

Chuck Norris doesn’t negotiate with high-tech vendors. Or assassins. Or murderers. Or people.

Chuck Norris’s last Initial Public Offering was pain.

Chuck Norris made an iPhone 10 years ago. He threw it away.

Agile programming has nothing on Chuck Norris. He roundhouse-kicks projects to completion.

Chuck Norris is already running IPV6000.

Chuck Norris now kills bad guys in their Second Life too.

Chuck Norris’s user name: Hurt. Password: You.

Chuck Norris’s customer relationship management ethos is this: “Chuck Norris is always right.”

Chuck Norris’s avatar is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked a server stack when he found out that IBM’s blade servers contained neither knives nor razors.

You know how CIOs can keep users from bringing in rogue technologies? “Meet your new CISO: Chuck Norris.”