Tiger Woods to Star in Upcoming Windows 7 Commercials

To all you PC users who’ve been boasting in TV ads that “Windows 7 is your idea”, Microsoft would like to thank you for your service; you’ve really helped spread the message that Windows 7 was made by the people, for the people.

But there’s a new pitchman in town. And his name is Tiger Woods.

That’s right. The beleaguered golf icon, fresh from rehab and in the midst of a post-sex scandal image makeover, will hawk Windows 7 in TV spots that will first air during The Masters, where Woods will make his return to professional golf.

Look who’s endorsing Windows 7.

“This guy is big — really big from what I hear,” said Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. “And he’s known as a great multi-tasker who can juggle different extra-curricular activities, just like Windows 7!”

Microsoft’s first choice was comedian, and one-time Microsoft pitchman, Jerry Seinfeld, who was reportedly asked to come back for round two with the promise that the new ads “would actually make sense.” Nevertheless, Seinfeld turned the offer down and was quoted as saying, “No (expletive) way. Those ridiculous commercials with Gates almost ruined my legacy. What’s the DEAL with these PEOPLE at Microsoft?”

As for the content of the Woods ads, Microsoft will only say they will feature Tiger in action on the golf course and in front of the computer screen and that he will always be fully clothed. Microsoft also stressed that it will make sure to avoid golf expressions such as “one wood.”

“Almost every golf expression sounds sexual, so we really have to watch it,” said a Microsoft spokesperson.

Sources close to the scandal-weary Woods say that he fell in love with Windows 7 during the darkest days of sex rehab. To rechannel his sexual energy, Woods ran to a Best Buy (in disguise) and bought an ultra-thin Windows 7 notebook.

“Ultra-thin! Like the condom,” he was quoted as saying by a Best Buy employee who recognized that the man dressed as a pirate was indeed Tiger Woods.

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Woods quickly became obsessed with Windows 7’s thumbnail previews, jump lists and the Aero Snap feature that allowed him to “compare hotties side by side on the screen,” sources say. Sources add that he grew particularly fond of Aero Peek, which allows all the windows you have open on your desktop to become transparent immediately with one click.

“He said his wife was always sneaking up behind him to see what he was doing on his computer,” said a source who befriended Woods in rehab. “Well, Aero Peek solves that problem.”

And with the BitLocker encryption feature, Woods can lock down his laptop so that “even if his wife got her hands on the laptop, she’d be locked out,” said the rehab source, adding that Tiger was confident the security features in Windows 7 would “keep me out of trouble for awhile.”

When asked if Woods’ involvement in a sex scandal would be harmful to the Windows brand, Microsoft’s Ballmer said: “Sure, he’s had some problems. But what we learned from Windows Vista is that everyone deserves a second chance.”

Woods did not respond to calls and e-mails inquiring about the Microsoft deal. But through a spokesperson, Woods announced that a scripted, highly-controlled press conference about the Windows 7 partnership will take place in Redmond sometime in the next few days. There’s no word on whether his mother or wife will attend.

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Shane O’Neill is a senior writer at CIO.com. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/smoneill. Follow everything from CIO.com on Twitter at twitter.com/CIOonline.