by Constantine von Hoffman

Why You Need to Protect Your Home from Cyber Pearl Harbor (Now!)

Jan 16, 20133 mins

All those cool, Internet-ready appliances may have already turned your kitchen into a kill zone and your bathroom into a blood bath. Fortunately, it's not too late to save you and your family, thanks to the PurplexUs Corporations’s new "Stop Terrorists from Invading Your Home Protection Service."


You probably don’t need me to tell you that we live in perilous times. At this very moment a terrorist hacker in Somewheristan is preparing to unleash what former Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta called a “cyber 9/11.” With just a flick of a switch, we could all be left without electricity, water or Netflix for who knows how long.

Some of you probably laughed when I mentioned Netflix, but I did it for two reasons. First, to see if you are paying attention and, second, to get you thinking about your homes because, ladies and gentlemen, the home is the greatest and most-overlooked target today. Thankfully, my company  — PurplexUs Inc. LLC — is here to help protect you, your belongings and your loved ones.

Bathroom scales, refrigerators, rice cookers, garage-door openers, ovens, clothes, washers, light switches and toothbrushes–do you know what they all have in common?

I didn’t think so.

All these devices can be used by a terrorist to kill you once they’ve been connected to the Internet–AND SOME OF THEM ARE ALREADY CONNECTED!

Today you can turn on your rice cookers at any time via laptop. The same for your iPad, smartphone, Xbox and nose ring! Think about that for a moment. A terrorist could burn down your house while you sleep simply by turning on your rice cooker when it is empty, disabling anything that might cause it to turn off if it overheats and then start a fire.

Imagine what could happen with an Internet-ready oven. Just pre-heat and it becomes a flaming pile of stainless-steel molten metal!

Sure, being able to open your garage door from the comfort of your office seems like a great thing, but keep in mind that what goes up MUST COME DOWN! And it could come down just as you are driving under it!

Even a seemingly harmless device like the new Internet-ready refrigerator is a threat. Sure it seems like a convenience to have a fridge that monitors its contents and places an order to the store when you get low on something, but is that really all it can be used for?

What if it substituted whole milk for low-fat? Or industrial-farmed butter berries for organic? Or Snickers®©™ for tofu? Pretty soon you’d be a toxic waste-land of genetically-modified food chemicals with a cholesterol level higher than the Dow Jones®©™ average! (And I’m not talking about the good kind of cholesterol, either!)

No way could that happen because you would notice your weight going up, right? Well, guess again. All a terrorist has to do is hack into your Internet-ready bathroom scale and mirror and you would never know. While you’re turning into the bigger, fatter Goodyear®©™ blimp, you’d be thinking: Hey, I lost some more weight! Hey, I look like George Clooney!

Fortunately, this does not have to happen to you. The PurplexUs®©™ Corporation’s new Stop Terrorists from Invading Your Home Protection Service®©™ will let you protect your belongings and your loved ones from this terrifying, terrifying threat.

How does it work? Good question. It monitors all your devices and establishes a baseline usage algorithm for each and every member of your family! If it spots even the slightest variation in usage patterns it automatically notifies the Department of Homeland Security to send an emergency terrorist-fumigation team to your home.

It works so well you may never even notice it’s there!

So, quick, call now, operators are standing by.